Confessions of a liar

Rant from an addict. 

Dear Resentful and scorned,

Where do I start? I've spent most of my life not only lying to you but lying to myself. Not just about something but in some shape or way about everything. For starters, I am not a good person. I've lied cheated stolen betrayed, some of my closest friends, and without a doubt most of my family, and afterwords I went on as if nothing ever happened. Now I wasn't always this way it took time and a lot of work. Work through anxiety, pain, regret, sadness, fear, and anger. Work to learn that out of sight and mind meant safe and sound. So I would if I knew I did something wrong simply make whatever may trigger that emotional response disappear to the best of my capabilities. What that means is that once I stole your money, mind you at one point it would have been fully intended on a borrow with intent to return but over time that changed. Anyways I would then restrict your ability to contact me through number change phone off blocked and or restricted calling capabilities. That was only after you if you ever did, realized that I was the most likely culprit and I felt like I had no true way out but you had no without a doubt proof that I couldn't still deny. 

I've gone as far as to help you solve the crime knowing all evidence would point to me, using that acting shocked yet frustrated that well obviously all evidence points to me I now understand how you could consider that but who on gods earth would help you solve the crime if they were the guilty party. . . . keep in mind I would always leave just enough room in the story and drama that it possibly could have been a coincidence and or someone was making it look like me, or maybe even I was the victim as well as you. . . and somehow because I feel like I sometimes believed it myself …. You would either believe me or simply give up because ….well whatever your reasons were. There were times when I stole from you and you were sitting right next to me.

 Hanging out having a good time…. I never stole it all at first anyways. Small amounts because I cared about you and didn't want you to struggle. In my head, I felt just after all the things I have done for you that went unappreciated or somehow in my opinion not appreciated enough. Even though I claimed that I am the selfless one. I turned people against each other when it benefited me and still told myself I was simply being honest or loyal being a good friend.]

This is only the last month or so ironically.

I tried to get you fucked up in hopes that you may want to have sex with me because that was all I was about my pleasure while I pretended it was about yours. I took advantage of you after your inhibitions were lowered and truly convinced myself that what I was doing was not only ok but actually a good thing because I always got clear consent and it was helping broaden your horizons, after all, I mean if it had to happen why not with a guy that didn't make you feel weird because there was no commitment need and I didn't cling, 

,.. Most times. I did during this time at least to my recollection actually believed this and didn't think that in any way I was taking advantage. Somehow not seeing or believing that meth could impact one's judgment so greatly that they would do something that made them feel wrong or disgusted. Easy not to see when you often if not always had the drugs for you readily available. What would you truly understand at that time what it's like to need but not have, oh but you would, you would know. There would be a time when in the future, ironically the far future already surpassing years and years of your actions you too would know what it's like to be on the other end… learning the hard way is just a possibility of what you may have and likely made others feel.

But by now you learning how to disassociate and stuff, avoiding all these emotions and conflicts so that you can avoid feeling that fear and disgust and pain you know that you caused others. When you forced yourself on someone because you were so high and at the moment, but you knew you had to have known you were not stupid you made yourself sick over it so again you bottled and stuffed so deep that it quickly barely became real? Then again was it? You barely know anymore but your heart tells you it is. The lies you said about people just to make yourself feel better or look like the victim so that you could always come out on top. Somehow you always managed to come out looking pretty good didn't you … well over time people slowly got wise of you never saying anything but just removing themselves sad that you could continue after all they did for you with your lies and draining and taking from them. Constantly again and again reaching for help and getting it last while you are already amid your next crumble and downfall… you pray and pray for help and you do it as if you're literally texting your dealer for more drugs. , you pretend you're moving forward when the only direction you've been moving for yours is down as you dug deeper and deeper.

 However, you are one of those ones that dig slowly and makes his hole wide taking his time so that by the time you actually get to the bottom you can't even begin to pull yourself up. Cnt reaches the other side to brace yourself against to climb or shimmy up. As you had in the past, you lie about your health because everything you say you feel you deserve and hope will happen so that you can go out looking like a saint when you're a demon in disguise. Constantly losing yourself deeper and deeper into your own lies and tangles too afraid to be honest too confused to depict between reality and fiction, still not sure who you are and what you want the only consistent factor are you are scared you are a liar yourself ish you've been playing the victim for a way too long and its time for it to end,, it has to stop.

 

Even after this, it doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what kind of monster you truly are. . . the more I go over any good deed I ever did the less I can see anything I ever did as anything but for myself. I wanted to feel good I wanted to be seen as a caring considerate person with a kind heart. You knew that once that person existed and so desperate to hold on to a fantasy and memory of what used to be you painted a picture of yourself that you could stand to live with, and anytime you started to see the truth that scared boy, that full of fear and shame child would panic and scramble to make it all go away so that you could keep living in your lie. 

Convinced that it was always for someone else when you would do things that would be viewed as morally questionable when really all they were was an excuse to move forward with less remorse and guilt….

Day so today I'm a liar still manipulating and trying to make the world revolve around me… somehow im still slightly trying to control things forgetting how I got here in the first place. I mean really how well has that worked out for me in the past. Today would be one day clean again but at least it's one. I haven't told the people in NA yet well….. Because I'm a LIAR…..and when he was wrong promptly admitted it. Who defines promptly. Meh ill just give it some time, how about I give it some time so that I can have time to get, clean time, under my belt again before I tell them I relapsed and now am working an honest program(ironically after lying for 7-10 days. Could always just roll with that. Ohhh I'm sorry but it takes 7-10 business days for notifications to be ready for processing then you have post days and …. Im just truly sorry that it took so long for me to get this information to you, that being said the good news is that I AM clean and AM working an honest program now, its just got processing-post days for all information. You know how things go policy and all. 

 Geez I can customer service basically any bull shit in my life, I wonder how that would have worked with other things,

Hey sir(drug dealer) I know you are frustrated about the payment, however, we have to give it 72- 144 hours just to be sure that it hasn't cleared the bank. On our end where totally showing that refund as processing, (counts cash next to pile of drugs) so just to better serve our customers and our business as a whole we do have to wait (use your money for re-up) but this allows us to be fair to all our customers in situations where the customer may be….. Ya know…. Trying to just manipulate the situation. IM NOT saying that's you as a bo a matter of fact we both know that it's, not your fault and if I could give you this right now I would however, it is out of my hands at this point and time policy and all….. Why don't you give us a call back in 144 hours to be safe or 7 days so you are not affecting my customer satisfaction rating? Don't forget to leave your review on Yelp,

     Back to the point is still a liar and a cheat is just sober today I guess that's a plus and a major struggle on its own, I literally will be driving down the road clean all day and as if some power from beyond is in control im just coincidentally driving by my dealers and calls on speaker phone it is like I blinked and someone else took over. Then I'm like well …. I can't be rude it would be rude to not finish the call now, and there ya go… that's how im an idiot.

    How about some more rant about how fucked up I am. I already admitted that im a piece of shit liar thief, so I've stolen from my mom my dad my sister my brother my grandmother your grandmother, and probably your wallet just a second ago.,... No, seriously you should check just trying to keep me accountable